Ancient Pimpsteaks:
“Apparently someone on this plane shit on the com unit and now we can’t communicate with the tower. Now we can’t fuckin land.” Beasly whispers. Mirna Lou whispers back. “Well if this things going down, I wanna die fukkin.” Beasly…
Julius worked part time at a gas station. He took people’s credit cards and pushed them in and pulled them out of the gas pumps. Fill regular. Ten dollars of premium. He hated the job.   Sometimes there were nice people…
Artie had gas once again. It had been five years since he last had gas but it was back with a serious attitude now. Now his gas was trying to kill him and anyone he got close to. His hamster…
There once was a piece of cat terd named Jarvis. Jarvis was long and coiled with a goatee of mouse fur. He was drinking beers under a piece of bark with a couple other terds when Ralph came through the…
Dr. Plow was more than happy to join the expedition. He had been the point man on several forays into the unknown, so it was natural that they asked him. But the price they were willing to pay made him…
“Now that I’m out of rehab it’s time to get laid,” said Harv. Harvey had been in a clinic for two weeks for his addiction to hookers and strip clubs. “You better not,” said Madge, his mom, while they drove…
You might wonder if a man with a two centimeter penis has trouble satisfying women. But Barry “Super Tiny Wang” Vlasco is not your typical man. And the fact that he’s getting it reduced by a half centimeter seems unlikely…
Gary drove his tractor over the rows of cabbage. He loved cabbage. He loved everything about it. Gary remembered the day he made love to his first cabbage. He saw the cabbage from across the country store. It was staring…
Larry pounded the rest of the forty and started the truck. He drove up the hollow to Myrtle’s triple wide. She was home. Larry flipped the glove compartment and grabbed his rubbers. Myrtle heard the door forced open. Milton didn’t….
The most beautiful woman in the universe does not have size forty seven tits. She does not have an ass shaped like a cherry. And she does not suck golf balls through garden hoses for recreation. In fact she is…
The last time we talked I was under the influence of fart gas. So please don’t take too much of it to heart. A lot has changed since then. I had my sphincter insured for four bucks in case it…
It’s been over a decade since I filmed WeedMasters III: Power Stoned. Recently I found some slides of the filming and had them scanned. Here is one of them. That’s me in the back with a 300 dollar video camera…
Plungers In The Mist. Saxon practices his plunge techniques on top of Mt. Tabor.
Jeff crawled out of bed with a boner. He closed the window. A bum was yelling about potatoes in the alley below him. Jeff opened the window back up and pissed on him. “Are you peeing?” Myrna asked. She flipped…
When I start shaking from weed overblast I try to focus on an old memory and play it over and over. Distorting it and chuckling to myself until I get cottonmouth and then I head to the fridge and start…
Shit man you saved my ass. I was so fukin nervous like you predicted. The motel didn’t have a record player so I pre-recorded it into my iPod. Thank the devil. The iPod was playing Sade and things were going…
Blaine opened up the deep freezer. “Hey Artie, what’s with all the turds?” “Don’t eat them,” said Artie “They’re for my scatology class.” “So you’re keeping that class, I thought the teacher was a dick?” “He is, but I got…
Packmaster, I really admire the way you can carve tang. But even though you were a player in college doesn’t mean that you’ve won. Sure, fuk them across the room when you think I’m sleeping. But I have found something…
I often wake up to cats fukin on the roof. We used to have a neighbor that was really loud having sex. Either that or the glass I held against the wall was tits. After I get home from the…
I just picked a hard skinny bugur and scraped it under the table. The end had a sticky little drop that held it on. I’ve got pretty mean cotton mouth now. I’ll probably destroy the refrigerator soon. All the convenience…
“You do not let reject by butchery right in front of and take a room on the floor,” yelled Aunt Purvis. Was it me or the cat tranquilizers? At times Aunt Purvis has been known to mix up her words…
Sometimes it feels like there is a little hammer carving a mural of Hervé Villechaize on the inside of my skull. Sometimes I like to get stoned and do nothing. Just watch the same thing over and over. And then…
A pig’s dick is shaped like a corkscrew. When we would visit my cousins in the country, they had a bunch of randy pigs that they would let loose at the fair. The whole town would be filled with holes…
You’ve got to be an idiot to think that there aren’t any space creatures out there. Whether they are nice or not probably depends on how we end up on this planet. Those fukers are watching. Betting. Waiting. Waiting to…
What’s the sound of a thousand rabbits shitting in your ear? Purkin was a nature freak. He could track sparrows by the thickness of the shit on the branches. Everywhere he traveled he would collect turds. He had what was…
I was just five years old when I got my first kiss by a hot chick. Her name was Leslie. She won best handwriting for the entire grade. My best friend back then was a wino named Jerry. He would…
Continued from previous day INT. LIVING ROOM JEB (cont’d) (still reading letter) Now I find out I was just a front so that you could cornhole squirrels without being suspected. Well this isn’t the life I dreamed of when I…
INT. DARK STAGE Spotlight is on a dude. He walks to the center and gives monologue. JEB I cornholed four hundred and thirty two squirrels last year. Only half were strapped down. I did all this because the devil…
Sometimes I just want to crawl over the phone line and reach down someones ear, pull their dick inverted back through their mouth and yank their balls through so they hang out their eye sockets. I just got off the…
Barry woke up tied to the rafters of a giant igloo. A penguin with five dicks was getting a manicure in front of him. Another penguin walked in with a wingfull of bamboo spikes and a small cage. It set…
Earnie’s Strip Club Laundromat was Barry’s favorite place to go after work. The women’s field hockey team washed their clothes there. The first night Barry went there he caught the eye of a young philly performing on the pommel horse….
I jumped awake and pulled my nunchaku from under my pillow. There was someone in the house. I slipped into my “game of death” suit and put on my Bruce Lee mask with night vision. There was a noise from…
Charblok was having the shittiest day of his entire life. He woke up with two transvestites teabagging his eyesockets and a cocker spaniel cornholing his ear. When he finally fought his way out of bed and made his first cup…
Hey, you. Pile of turkey felch. Aren’t you that dude on the bus thats always falling over next to the stairs? No. I’m that dude that stinks like aardvark piss that uses that six month old ticket stub. The guy…
And they were off. Catmunch and Blorthog were probably two of the finest free roasters in the northwest territories. Catmunch was bongloading hash as it was dropping out of a camel’s ass. Blorthog was slamming toad piss and hotboxing a…
Where K-Bork grew up, cornholing was considered a sport. Once you got a boner you were expected to skewer a gopher. That was considered training and it still is. After a week, when someone graduated from packing ground dwellers, they’d…
“BIRD DICK!” Parker just liked the way the words sounded. He kept yelling it out his apartment window for everyone to enjoy. Pretty soon everyone was yelling “BIRD DICK!” Before too long, the whole city had caught “BIRD DICK” fever….
As I walked from the crack house, I had to struggle with an overpowering urge to run to the brothel and slap the whole pile of hundreds on the counter. “Gimme the works! And make it snappy.” I would say….
“Zaxxxor you miserable ox felcher. If I catch you near my spellbook again, I’ll fry your nuts off with a blast from my Cudgel of Necrosis!” Ralph rolled the twenty sided dice and prepared to inflict some damage points. Walter…
Archie Bluto was a fukin brute. A real fukin brute. He was the meanest man in five counties. Some days he would walk into a small village and cornhole everything that wasn’t bolted down. Other days he would wake up,…
Fukin me an my brohog Lithium were fukin poundin the wizard piss. I’d crack a bottle and toss it down and fukin be flyin. Then Lith would power down two bottles. Then I slammed three. This went on for about…
Wilson felt fukin incredible. He felt better than incredible. Today was the best fukin day of his life. He now had the ultimate power. What all humanoids dream about. Well not all humanoids. At least all the ones that lived…
I was firing out a hot piss in the men’s room when a barrage of metallic fart sounds pounded out of the shitters. Then something yelled and launched up through the ceiling. I kicked the stall open and there was…
“Run, don’t walk to your nearest crack dealer cause there’s never been a sale like this!” When I heard that ad on the radio I wondered who was the idiot behind this? I need more crack hits like I need…
Huffing: The Sport of Kings I remember being a kid getting high on model glue. I had a Daisy Duke C-10 Jeep Eagle that I was assembling in a little laundry room in the basement of my Aunt and Uncle’s…
When I first humped Norma Jean she was working in the library and had five of her front teeth missing. I was hunting down a book on taxidermy and she walked me over to the correct aisle. She leaned over…
It was obvious. We were fucked. Our bad luck started forty eight hours ago when Lithium Jim decided that we should rob a house. We were fukin cruizin on our BMX bikes, poppin wheelees, bunny-hopping curbs, kicking-out our back tires…
Larry knew the minute he opened the window, he’d be caught. You’re not supposed to smoke weed at the Greasy Woodchuck Retirement Home. Well fuck. Larry’s weed was being bought by the state cause of his condition. The weed helped…
“All I can recommend is that you stop plowing those squirrels. Your dick is gonna fall off if you keep up this routine. It’s just a matter of when. Now if you’re still gonna fuck land mammals, despite everything we…
I get a lot of mail asking the same question; How does one become a weed junkie? It’s not easy but it is possible with a lot of hard weed smoking and some powerful determination. Anyfuk, here’s the advice that…
No one wants to wake up to see their dad fucking the Easter Bunny. I was at Indian Scout camp and all the dads were staying up late pounding beer. I wiped my ass with a loaf of steel wool….
It was measuring up to be a pretty fukin sporting evening. I was gargling teats since noon. I have no idea where my brohogg was. Probably spearin something. It wasn’t my business what he was drilllin. I was busy boring…
I swallowed the bag of grass just before the door blew open. Five cops piled into the room. I dropped into the fetal position and they ran past me. My breathing became harder. I crawled behind the sofa and chewed…
JT always laughed when Billy said “poongristle.” Sometimes in class, after the teacher asked a particularly difficult question, Billy would raise his hand and bounce in his seat as if he had the answer. The teacher would grudgingly call on…
The sign said “Thank You for your business!” I wanted to rip that sign down, cut it into ninja stars and give the guy a cannibal turd/ninja star enema. But I did what any controlled, normal member of civilized society…
Henry waited until she got into her car. She was pretty for her age, though that wasn’t Henry’s main motivation. He was attracted to her because of her money. She grew up in the house behind him, though then had…
It was a powerful feeling. J.C. had never killed another human being before. He crouched over the body and ran his hands through the blood. He smeared a little bit on the guys face and then stood up. “Let that…
“Wait one chicken fukin second fukram, what is your sock doing in my glovebox?” said Wilson. “I was using it to huff the tire inflator,” said Sir Jenkinz. “Oh. Well throw it away when you are done. If my…
Billy Joe Pooloafer was probably the last guy I expected to see climbing off my wife. Our breakup had started some five years ago. I remember the exact moment, I was headed out of town on a business trip. If…
Water Hawk. In days of yore and times of pain there lived a giant with a taste for freezer eagle. He woke every morning and pillaged the townsfolk. He pawned off half the shit he scored and then hid the…
“You can take that scurvy dick and your sallow ass cheeks and skittle the fuck back into your shitty car and back to your shitty planet and drink all the beer you want. But on this planet we don’t do…
Are you one of those paranoid druggees? Are you always checking out the window to see if the cops are ready to bust down your door? Have you ever found a bug hidden in your taxidermy? I have to sweep…
Anyone who can synthesize a feeling of power and confidence in a pair of ajax cans can share my enthusiasm for total clarity. A person who can honestly shove grapes into three pairs of wooden sox can surely appreciate my…
Young and single equals idiot. I am a complete super idiot. I am a fukin turbo drunk. I wake up on street corners or behind dumpsters at least three days a week. I work all week and then when Thursday…
Diarrhea swans paddling down the stream with kegs of prune juice. Greased zebra taking a dump in a plastic bag. Zebra dropping the bag of poo onto swans. Swans pulling out lazer crossbows and pounding the zebra full of poison…
We were sitting at the border waiting for the inspectors to check our luggage. I was wearing a lime green seer-sucker suit with a bear skin ascot. My wife was dressed tastefully in a mesh jumpsuit. The inspector waved us…
Lumpy sat on the curb building a dam for the gutter water. He set up his army men on the top of the dam and had a couple snipers aiming down from the curb. The water came slowly. It was…
The fukin guitar was screaming its bloody lyrics. I was fukin headbanging this RV. My forehead felt like it was gonna explode but it was worth it. The fukin music was driving me out of my head. I just kept…
Darfzox was jettisoning some cargo when his light-spackler coughed to a stop. He didn’t see the service cannibals doing knee spins on his roof. They zip lined down and put him in hand cuffs. He was under arrest for speed…
Have you noticed any signs of the coming apocalypse? Anything you are trying to keep secret? I am. I saw something last week that scared me shitless. I was up late powering down the lids. It was probably three thirty…
2-4-6-8 Hookers. Prepare to herneate. We were lined up in stalls. My nutsack only weighed 2wo pounds. I slipped a quarter in the machine and punched in the code for a triple. I closed my eyes and flipped the switch….
Jerry was just hanging out by the river reading a soft-core porn novel. Jasmine was the heroine in the novel. She solved crimes by boning winos. Jerry was sitting there chuckling with a boner. This lazy fukin afternoon was going…
A handy tip for those of you who are remodeling your brain. Take one of those classes where they teach you how to sleep and eat correctly. I made the mistake of trying to do it with a book. I…
ALLEN: Fuk Dan. If you’re gonna blaze my last nugget at least put some beef jerkey in there or something. DAN: I didn’t touch your weed. I saw your cat blasting into it this morning though. ALLEN: Did you actually…
I’m standing at the space station. Its very crowded. My Unkle Fukrod and I were gonna blast into space this morning but the launch computer had to be rebooted. So I’m just standing here totally bored. Theres a guy with…
Rork pulled out the partially smoked blunt and handed it over to Pargo. Pargo slipped it into his jacket pocket and said thanks. Pargo crouched down behind the dumpster and bonged it down in a Sobe bottle. He caughed and…
Larry, if I have to pick up that com unit and call your wife again you’re gonna be sorry. Either you power down that pile of weed or you pay your tab and get out of here. Larry had…
When all you think about is shit.
Jerry was the biggest player in the retirement community. Bar none.
Reading of the full script of Kobok Six: Janitors on Acid Pt. 3 of 4
I was powering down the bongloads at my Unkle Charlie’s last weekend. Unkle Chuk is the meanest weed smoker I have ever smoked against.
Smokin grass in the Big Apple.
Reading of the full script of Kobok Six: Janitors on Acid Pt. 2 of 4
Reading of the full script of Kobok Six: Janitors on Acid Pt. 1 of 4
One day after seeing a drug speaker at school assembly, we all went upstairs to raid the medicine cabinet.
He ripped through that one and than blasted another two more and then got back to shining the floor.
Quit blasting merkin paste on my camera lens!
Most kids got a dog. My parents got me a fukin sloth. So I built him a mini bong.
Gorbak 7 When a pharmaceutical transport jacknifes into an asteroid field, two drug fiends set out to score the ultimate stash. But are they already too late?
Robotic Midgets in gorilla suits come by and mechanically inject everyone with H.
But if you were to fill a bean bag full of dumps and throw it into the pool, that would be OK.
Swarkman hits a button and the gibbon rectums start breakin’.
Give it a try. Your lungs will thank you.
Sure he was glad to have the job, but his heart ached to be bowling again.
Was I cool?
Are you sick of these guys yet?
I’m not much of a boob guy, but last night.
Offer someone a joint and you’ve made yourself a pal.
Jerry. Welcome to the future.
Jerry. Can I say twins?
Jerry. I’m in love. I’m getting fukin married.
Hello. Idiot. Where are you?
Jesus Christ Jerry. You gotta get up to Gorbak 7 NOW!
Kobok Six behind the scenes, clip #4.
In our relentless pursuit of quality, The Pukester has come up with this gem.
Kobok Six behind the scenes, clip #3
Kobok Six behind the scenes, clip #2
Kobok Six behind the scenes, clip #1
Turdblaster aka Saxon’s Theme, music video from Kobok Six: Janitors on Acid
Episode 01.05 of Dimension 47.
Episode 01.04 of Dimension 47.
Episode 01.03 of Dimension 47.
Episode 01.02 of Dimension 47.
Episode 01.01 of Dimension 47.
Maybe one of the ladies next door can sport me a free one.
Old General Sherman got a workout too.
Debauchery has a new kind of hero!
Which one are you?
I’ve had the fortune to fry my brains out on Kamtrox Aarvog.
He sparked up the blowtorch. “Care for a little woodchuck?”
“I’ll get the croutons.” Bill’s night had just begun.
I looked like someone from Depeche Mode and that was the basis of our relationship.
And Rat Fuk was becoming more of a dick as the days grew on.
I had a large fro and a cape and a couple of weasels around my neck.
He knew that an office full of college chicks would keep us happy.
Make sure you calibrate your scale for the specific planet that you are visiting.
Beef Meat had brought over some pcp.
Murgdorfgupmugmug bruf reep reep houga monfo.
Wrap some carnivore in a large ham tuxedo and watch them eat their way out.
I am hobbling through musty woods.
Where’s the character of America. Has mass media diluted the gene pool?
Great Deals on Taxidermy! Click for more.
Holy fukballs! Part two of this amazing cartoon!
Oh shit! Another world class cartoon.
Gorbak 7. We’d be happy to have ya.
Just north of Beef Meat’s Tackle Shop.
K-Bob. You’d better come quick.
“What the fuck is in that muskrat?”
When was the last time you had shit particles filling up your fukin lungs?
FINAL EPISODE of Harry the Limp Dick Sasquatch!
EPISODE THREE of Harry the Limp Dick Sasquatch!
EPISODE TWO of Harry the Limp Dick Sasquatch!
EPISODE ONE of Harry the Limp Dick Sasquatch!
Harry takes on an army of topless hookers!
He pulled on the gorilla suit and prepared his lungs for a fogblast of Humbolt’s meanest.
Remember. A bozak is only as good as its hydraulics.
Most know me as Karate Dick Hinkelson. Rotdick for short.
An elf in the first house was busy rotating a squirrel tank.
The psychadelic astronauts let the wind out their nostrils and held their breath.
Zorf and the Exploding Pudgrease Jubilee.
Beef leprichaun.
Coo coo for chicken felch.
Greased beefer.
I peered into the cloud of cannibals in the passing dust formation.
Listen up Bluto Dick! I got a hankerin to fuck a god damn chicken and there is nothing that you or the lock on that chicken coop can do to stop me!
Don’t go chowin on some poon gristle.
Poon gristle poon gristle.
Taco pops, aka queefs, are the number one cause of hearing loss among the viagra crowd.
Today’s pimpsteak cancelled due to extreme chicken fucking.
Snipers dancing on a sweet log of poo. Dwarves and halflings chomping on barbarian shit. Sour turds of the rogue. Dragonfire of rotting fecal overburn. Stuff an orc pussy into your ear.
There I was downing a can of dog shit, just minding my own business, when Rhino Queefs Jensen, the poolman, comes runnin up to me and says, “I’ll bet the grease from eight gipsy’s buttholes that you can’t fart without blasting a stewburger out of your rectum.” Cat salad.
Man, I was smoking mushrooms underneath the freeway when these white wizards came out of a snake hole and started buttstuffin my turkey sandwich. They must have hit some gristle, cause the third one broke his dick in half and they disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Hark. Whose gypsy loins doth reek of fecal queef stain? Why those are mine fair maiden, for I just fucked a mule.
Chocolate covered cat tits. I used to know a zoo keeper named Hugo. Every day he had to shovel elephant shit, rhino shit, and tiger shit. And after work he would always go over to the sloth den and spark up a huge doobie. Lucky fuckin bastard.
Take a coathanger and rip a shit right out of your butthole. Eat a pile of Golden Grahms, eight pounds of granola, a half rotten prune. I’m going to get stoned and make a fuckload of corn.
Lately I’ve been getting that gas that kind of fries your brain. That stench like rotting egg plant and dead frogs. And it weighs a fucking ton. Just sinks down to the floor and penetrates the carpet. My house smells like one giant midget shit.
Weed, I’ll take it by the lungfull. Mushrooms, I’ll have two sacks. Acid, a sheet will do fine. DMT, you can back the truck up here. MDA, how much you got?
Well god damn. I guess we re fresh out of vented butt plugs. Don t worry though, Mrs Mulligan, we will get another shipment in on Monday. Why are we so mean to substitute teachers? Like an old lady s bowling ball tits.
With the swift blast of a gipsy queef, the tattered merkin dropped chaotically to the wet earth. Much to the chagrin of the munchkin butcher, this merkin lacked any real muscle and had to be sold cubed for stew.
A hop. A queefer. Smoke a little reefer. A skip. A jump. Hump a pile of dump. Slice the cheese. Cover in guano. Fecal matters. Rip the fuck out of that fart. “Gadzukes, he’s cornholing that chimpanzee.”
Quick. Hide the beagle queefs. Put the hookers in the back room and throw that ass chowder out the window. Cause we’re about to cornhole three midgets.
A choad skinner is when you back up a motorcycle to someones crotch, put the front brake on, and then punch the throttle till the rear tire burns up. Speed queefing is the number one cause of herneas in women over 47.
Now my favorite sport is to get super stoned and make sushi. Corn poo hand roll, weasel tits on a bed of rice, dog poo shrimp. I wrote this script called Razor Shitz. But nothing makes you feel as good as walking around the streets of Amsterdam stoned out of your mind.
Why pay market prices for a bong or rolling papers when you can build a smooth smoking, weed saving marijuana super pipe. Bart “The Turd” Shitfuck shows you how. You’ll be toking the fuck out of that crack laced bud in your new marijuana super pipe.
Rack of Chicken Dicks
The Great Foosball Smokeout
April 10, 1999
Furburger in Paradise
January Vartcookie, 1999 

January Vartcookie, 1999
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Aug 15, merkinsludge
July 12, merkinpaste
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20 barloflax
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Oct997 9, 1997(Thursday)
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