The Pocket Wino

I was just five years old when I got my first kiss by a hot chick. Her name was Leslie. She won best handwriting for the entire grade. My best friend back then was a wino named Jerry. He would come to my class as my pet. And that’s why I think that The Pocket Wino will work. How often have you thought to yourself, “If only I had a wino right now.”
Jerry was super cool cause he could fart the alphabet. That’s how I learned to read. He was a scuba diver so he’d bring home abalone. My dad would buy it all and host a big abalone barbeque. That was when I enjoyed my first hooker. She was twice my age and had a tongue like a gorilla.
One day Jerry was very depressed. I stole a box of Wild Turkey out of the garage. We went to Jerry’s place and he made drinks called Speefnarkles. Thats where I got the name Speefnarkle.
Summertime was the best cause Jerry and I would go shoplifting. My dad would drop us off at the mall and then he’d pick us up a couple hours later and we’d have bags full of shit we stole. I told my dad that Jerry was a millionaire. I had posters on my wall of hot chicks smoking pot. Jerry was always telling me how fun smoking joints was. He really built them up to be cooler than the A-Team. So when I first smoked a joint, I was a little let down. For about five minutes. And then I just started laughing. I ran around the room and tore the front door off. I attacked a tomato bush with a fork. I wrestled sixteen winos at once. Then I got the fukin cottonmouth. I felt like my tongue was being sprayed by quinntuple breasted pixies.
Thats when I first got my true thirst for getting stoned. You laugh at hippies talking about hitting another dimension. The next couple times I smoked doobage blew my mind. Once I was talking to fifteen copies of myself and they were all trying to steal something from me. One of them stole my favorite GI Joe figure. I kicked his ass and made him empty his pockets. It was there under a pencil sharpener. He didn’t know how it got there. Just like I had no idea how that log of shit got in the pool.

  • By Jaan VanPoonder, June 11, 2005 @ 11:28 pm

    Makes sense. I always end up throwing the wine away when its on its second day. It feels like a waste. Now I save them up and walk around with a funnel and refuel the guys sleeping in the park.

  • By Peetey Wheatstraw, June 13, 2005 @ 12:45 am

    I’ve been down to the junkyard on weekdays and seen some hard core winos boning a bag of old bagles.

  • By Jimmy Blunts, June 13, 2005 @ 10:21 am

    Just goes to show you. If you are resourceful, you can find good people trapped in unkind circumstances.

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