Squirrel Fukin' Part 01

Spotlight is on a dude. He walks to the center and
gives monologue.
I cornholed four hundred and thirty
two squirrels last year. Only half
were strapped down. I did all this
because the devil told me to. But
I'm not afraid of my punishment
because I've got the love of a good
woman by my side.
Curtain closes.
Music comes up.
Room dressed like living room. Scattered props.
Title sequence projected onto rear screen.
Projector rises into cieling.
Jeb and MYRNA LOU enter. Jeb takes her coat off. Myrna Lou
runs off the stage.
Jeb turns to audience. Walks toward them. Puts leg up.
Where I come from, when a boy turns
18 they have to perform a rite of
passage in order to be accepted as
a true man in the community. That's
when I got my true taste for the
land mammal.
Myrna comes back on stage with a suitcase.
Did you see the Hendertons looking
at us.
Theres a knock on the door.
Jeb hunchbacks over. His abs have been blown-out from
squirrel fukin'.
He opens the door. K-BORK walks in. It's Myrna Lou's brother.
Come on Myrna Lou, we're taking you
out of here.
(sniffs around Jeb)
Jeezus man, you stink.
Jeb still has the door open. K-Bork checks in the ice chest.
K-BORK (cont'd)
Fukin loser doesn't even have
He pulls out some beer and cracks it and downs it. Pulls out
another. And comes and sits down. Myrna Lou is still
gathering her stuff. She slams her clothes down by her
suitcase. Jeb walks over and pokes through it. He pulls out a
t-shirt. Spreads it out. It says "Lets Get Stoned And Bone".
This is mine.
(pulls out a strap
This is my hernea belt.
(pulls out a toupee)
I bought you this merkin. I'm
keeping it.
She comes back out and grabs the shit and stuffs it back in.
He grabs her wrist.
JEB (cont'd)
That's my shit. You put it back
K-Bork jumps up. Slams his beer can down.
Jeb. You keep your squirrel fukin'
hands off her.
This ain't between you an' me K
Bork. This here's tween me an my
K-Bork pulls out his knife from his bicep harness.
JEB (cont'd)
You pullin yer blade on me?
Jeb lets go of Myrna Lou and pulls out his own blade.
Put yer blade eway K-Bork.
K-Bork sheathes his blade. Jeb sheathes his back into his
calf sheath.
Baby you can't leave. Not when I
need you most.
This whole time you've been out at
the Zexxler farm.
(she throws something at
You told me you were looking for
I was baby. You know I was. I
stopped at Zexxler's once in the
morning just to get coffee.
I don't want to here anymore.
Lets go Myrna.
K-Bork. You stay out of this.
You are a fukin disgrace. You're
out of her life. We're takin her
Jeb pulls out his blade.
Jeb. Now you put that blade back.
There'll be no stabbin today. I'll
be back Jeb, after I take this
stuff to my pa's.
I know you will baby. I only got
forty seven hours left. I want to
spend every single second with you.
Just talking. Holding your hand.
Whispering sweet nothings into your
Thats it Jeb. I'm warning you.
K-Bork. Now I'm giving you my sea
monkeys. Don't make me take your
Like you took those innocent
squirrel's lives.
That ain't fair Bork.
K-Bork puts his blade back. Jeb puts his blade back.
K-Bork and Myrna Lou leave.
Jeb puts on some music and drinks himself silly. He starts
crying. He starts punching the chair. He takes out his blade
and carves her name into his knuckles.
JEB (cont'd)
(stops carving)
You fukin bitch. I gave you
everything I could. I gave you
everything. I wanted to tell you. I
was gonna tell you everything. When
you said I always smelled like
skung. I should have told you the
He sighs heavily. He frantically searches around the room. He
bolts out. Theres a big crash. He runs back in with a
shotgun. He puts the shotgun to his forehead. He can't reach
the trigger. He tries his side of his head and stretches.
Finally he gets his toe into the trigger area. He thinks
about it. Then he looks down and sees a letter. He puts the
shotgun down.
Jeb picks up the letter and leg-ups. He opens it and flips it
out. He tries to read the letter.
JEB (cont'd)
Dear Jeb. I wrote two letters. I
was gonna give you another chance
but you violated my trust one too
many times. So you get this letter.
I want you to know that I still
respect you. You used to make me
proud. When we first got married I
thought I had made the best
decision of my life.
Part 2 continued tomorrow...

  • By Tammie, June 6, 2005 @ 11:09 am

    My brother is into this stuff. Just wanted more information. I don’t think squirrel sex should be illegal anyway.

  • By Jeremy "Jaw" VonFecalsmash, June 10, 2005 @ 11:12 pm

    Squirrel sex is so good that I personally think it should be illegal. And so do a lot of my friends.

  • By Lt Cmdr King, June 11, 2005 @ 7:36 pm

    Just so you know: the Von Fecalsmash Singers are a completely different group than the Von Trapp Singers. I made a mistake at the record store, when I bought their 1967 album (re-released on DVDA) “Squirrel Fukkin’ is God’s Path to Heaven – and other Uplifting Melodies of the Lord”. I brought it home, put it on the hi-fi, and my, I was surprised. Didn’t sound like the Von Trapp singers at all.
    How do I feel about mixing up the Von Trapps album with the Von Fecalsmashers album? Well, is there such a thing as a “happy accident?” Because that phrase would explain my trip to the record store and the album mixup, perfectly. And in other ways as well. For example, I accidently shat myself after chugging too much olive oil. I would also refer to that as a “happy accident”.
    Keep on truckin’
    – x

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