Hey Pa, What's It Like To Toadstool Ma?

Charblok was having the shittiest day of his entire life. He woke up with two transvestites teabagging his eyesockets and a cocker spaniel cornholing his ear. When he finally fought his way out of bed and made his first cup of coffee, his dick got caught in the coffee grinder. After he downed a couple cups of pud flavored coffee he had to jettison his morning shit. He sat down on the toilet, pushed out a loaf and his tapeworm stormed out, pissed as hell, and gnawed one of his balls off. To top it off, when he walked out the door, already five hours late for work, he slipped in a puddle of aardvark diarrhea and landed, anus first on his garden gnome’s fist.
Everything turned around though, when he got on the subway his ex-girlfriend was there. And she was randy as all get out. He picked the lock on the storage closet and they squeezed in there. Charblok popped a couple blasters of ecstasy and they power humped. Unfortunately the rhythmic motion of his hip thrusts matched the harmonic frequency of the tunnel and when he blew a wad the subway car launched off the track and into an underground city built by those dudes that live down there. Luckily no one was really hurt, but Charblok did have a slight pain in his lower abdomen.
They crawled out of the closet and walked to the opening. When they emerged onto the street, a pack of rabid midgets mugged them with sharpened screwdrivers. He went back to her apartment cause his was way to dangerous. They made some grilled cheese and then cornholed on the washing machine. She fell off when the machine hit spin cycle with his Jensen still attached. His ballsack dropped to the floor with the worst hernea on record.
The ambulance came to take him to the hospital. The paramedics were wearing soccer cleats because it was supposed to be their day off. When they tried to lift his nuts onto the auxiliary stretcher, one of them slipped and trampled his right gonad. They tried to heft the sack back on again using block and tackle but settled on kicking it up onto Charblok’s chest. They finally got him into the ambulance and knocked him out with some laughing gas. He was unconscious for the rest of the day. Good thing, cause the surgeon was also having a shitty day.

  • By Paddy O'Felchbasket, May 27, 2005 @ 11:36 am

    is that the same guy that blew up his ass when he dumped motorcycle fuel in the toilet and lit a cig?

  • By Dan Weedsmoke Fizz, May 27, 2005 @ 1:23 pm

    Sounds like my Mondays.

  • By Lt. Wing Commander King, May 30, 2005 @ 10:31 pm

    I hate midgets with sharpened screwdrivers. They like to poke holes in my ankles, which causes my anus to scream – loudly.
    Hey Rev. Speefnarkle, thanks for the biography. Nice to read non-fiction every once in a while.
    – Wing Cmdr King

  • By the rev, May 31, 2005 @ 9:49 am

    No problem, Wing. Most of the stuff I’ve written has actually happened to me, or someone I know. As you have pointed out.

  • By Lemming Fart, June 1, 2005 @ 12:51 am

    One of these times I’m gonna fire a block of weed into my scuba tank so I can get stoned and narked and have my pud blown by a mermaid.

  • By Madame Tang, June 10, 2005 @ 11:20 pm

    Lotus Rectum don’t talk to me like that. What about all those dates I took you on? If you want to break up with me, stop doing it through blog postings.

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