Macho Con Pethos

I was there when they robbed the place. Those filthy losers walked in with bike chains and rip saws. I think there were four of them, though there may have been more of them outside.

As soon as I saw them come in I ducked behind the chicken roaster and pulled out my buck knife. The guy in the Sylvester Stallone mask looked straight at me but I don’t think he saw me. He pointed to the lady behind the counter and started talking to her as if he knew her. She just responded by nodding her head an then she put all the beef jerky into a bag. Read more »

Tits and Grits: The Grand Re-Opening

Claude "The Bovine" Turbogreaseloaf

Claude "The Bovine" Turbogreaseloaf

They came from the hills in packs of twenty or thirty to see the new brothel. It wasn’t operational yet, but that didn’t stop the working girls from earning a living. Madame Beatrice had gone to the city to pick up last minute items for the grand opening. Her number one choad buster, Mirelda, was busy testing the re-enforced beds with the local carpenter, Pudboil.

Old Man Flaccidwang owned the liquor store across the street. Read more »

Eli Gets Hi

Eli Plows Into His Bong

Eli Plows Into His Bong

Eli woke up early to check his traps. He walked into the backyard. They were full. The duct tape that he’d laid down, sticky side up, was covered with bugs. He pulled the tape up and climbed into his treehouse.

Eli pulled out his bong and tested the water level. He added a bit from his canteen. Some of the bugs were still moving. He picked those ones off and put them into the bowl. They glowed blue as he lit them and inhaled.

The smoke went straight to his brain. He felt light headed and then tipped over onto the floor. His brain leaked out of his ear and through the floor boards. Read more »

Dancing With Erma Lou

Erma Lou and Peter Rodentsquirt at Nationals

Erma Lou and Peter Rodentsquirt at Nationals

It began when Erma Lou looked at me with that beautiful eye and her seductive smile. I walked over to her table and asked her to dance. She said yes, of course.
We found an empty spot on the dance floor. I moved toward her and put my hands on her teats. She snuggled close and put one hand over my shoulder and the other grasped my wang.
Read more »

The Way Life Used To Be

Barty Littledong. My best weed dog.

Barty Littledong. My best weed dog.

Before I started smoking weed, I was a loser. No prospects. Without a future. Then I smoked weed and everything changed. Chicks piled on top of my hogan. Every company in the industry approached me for sponsorship. Money, women, sin, everything. My lawyer uncle was representing me and he fukked up. We went with Funny Weed. I spent the rest of the season training for the summer games. I placed third in bong rips and fifth in blunts. Several other companies approached us and even offered to buy out our contract. My uncle wouldn’t re-negotiate and by the time the winter smoke races started, I was still stuck with Funny Weed. They didn’t even have a racing weed. I bonged my lungs out five times a week for the whole fall. That winter, I didn’t even place. Read more »

Time is a liquid.

Arthur Van Den Blastmeat

Arthur Van Den Blastmeat

Time flows in your eyes and out your butt hole. It stains your brain with skidmark memories. It launches out your dik hole. And knocks down a lamp. When the lights are out it slows down to a misty dream of brunettes on bear skin rugs.

Arthur Van Den Blastmeat had a fourteen foot bear skin rug. It drove the ladies crazy. Read more »

How to Impress Dumb People

Dumb person.

Dumb person.

Do you know someone dumb that you want to impress? No? Is someone trying to impress you? Yes? You may be dumb. Do you smash your forehead into the wall more than twelve times a day? You are dumb. If you can’t read kdjsfods dfjodefuf ds fds fjosf d fdsodsjer sdjfjl. You are dumb. Read more »

Advice for hiring a plumber.

Wino Plumber

Wino Plumber

I used to work in the call center for Plumber Bob Joe Bob. The most common calls were for kitchen drains and clogged shatholes. Sometimes we’d hire a wino with a plunger if there weren’t enough available plumbers. People think plumbers are lady killers. The truth is that only half of plumbers world-wide get laid more than twice a week. This could be why you pay out the nose for a plumber to come to your house after three AM. Right when the hooker fees are halved. Read more »

Old Man Flatdick bones Little Miss Bowling Ball Tits!

Old Man Flatdick caught his pud in a hamburger press when he was twenty three years old. Today he stapled his dick to a boat. He never had much luck with that crappy wang. He’s supposed to get married to Little Miss Bowling Ball Tits.

1.
Little Miss Bowling Ball Tits walked down the steps to her ninja cave. She stripped down to a pair of stockings and a g-string. The music faded up as she began her Vitalitilazizzizlecize. Old Man Flatdick walked in. He ripped his pants off and rolled out his dick on the dining room table. He held the camera up ¬†and shot a photo. Read more »

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