The Most Beautiful Woman in the Universe

The most beautiful woman in the universe does not have size forty seven tits. She does not have an ass shaped like a cherry. And she does not suck golf balls through garden hoses for recreation. In fact she is just a normal girl with a sharp mind and a kind and loving heart. She has a normal yet curvy body and a face that makes you feel comfortable. She has a smile that lights up the room and a voice that sounds like gold dipped angel farts. She carries a stealth dagger in her ass and a poison dart lodged under her left teat. She dresses like a school teacher and loves to ride tricycles. And if you whistle at her while she’s walking on the street, you better watch out. The last chump that tried that got a eagle claw to the ball sack and a knife wound to his solar plexus. The most beautiful woman in the universe does not snort coke with Brazillian muscle men, she smokes crystal meth with backwoods hillbillys. She eats piles of raw squid and pounds litres of ginger beer. If you challenge her to a game of backgammon, you will surely win. But play Candyland for money with her and you could go home with an empty wallet.
One day the most beautiful woman in the universe met the ugliest man in five counties. His name was Cornbuk Weevildong. Cornbuk was so ugly that catfish barfed when they saw him. Cornbuk looked like he was made out of peanut brittle. His eyes were on top of each other instead of side by side. His nose was upside down. He made Mr. Potatohead look like Admiral Poondazzler. Cornbuk had never been laid by a human. And most sheep weren’t willing to admit carnal knowledge. You would think that Cornbuk would have taken to drinking to solve his problems. He was totally straight edge. No booze, no smoke, no snuff, no huff. Though one day he did get a headache from gluing together a model helicopter.
The day that Cornbuk laid eyes on The Most Beautiful Woman in the Universe, he was driving a tractor into town to sell some leeks. While they were weighing the leeks and counting out the money TMBWITU was buying some leeks for her fabulous leek and cat worm sorbet. She looked at him and vurped. She sat on a hay bale to catch her breath. Cornbuk noticed her out of the corner of his eye. She looked just like his second grade teacher. He walked over and whipped out his hogan. It was about three feet long and had a rose tied to it. She smelled the flower and instantly felt better. When she looked up and saw who the rose was attached to, she almost barfed again. But she didn’t. Instead she took a deep look into his eyes, trying not to look at the rest of him and introduced herself. Then the universe exploded.

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