Eat At Earnie's: Featuring the Poontang Skillet

Earnie’s Strip Club Laundromat was Barry’s favorite place to go after work. The women’s field hockey team washed their clothes there. The first night Barry went there he caught the eye of a young philly performing on the pommel horse. He ended up meeting her in the pump room where they exchanged fluids and phone numbers. When Barry woke up the next morning there were scales on his pud. He went to the clinic to have a blood test and an exam. The doctor gave him a cheese grater and told him to scrape the scales off and he would be good as new. She was right.
The second time Barry visited Earnie’s he was so fukin drunk they almost didn’t let him in. But he flashed a large roll of bills and they let him through. He stood at the first row of washers as the professionals did their titillating routines. Barry ordered a magnum of brute and popped the cork at one of the ladies. The fizz went everywhere. Bouncers descended on Barry and beat the turds out of him and threw him into the back alley.
He spent the night passed out against the wall. When he woke up there was a long slice in his abdomen. Someone had given him the blade and stolen his liver. He wandered along the alleyway and saw a wino pounding an economy size Carlo Rossi. Barry found a stick and poked it into the wino’s chest.
“Hey shitdick. Where were you last night?”
“Me and Rosco here stayed at the Benson penthouse. I had the caviar and a fine apertif of sorbets and…”
Barry whacked him in the side of the head. “Very funny. You were here. Did you see anything strange last night?”
“Yeah. Well it was early this morning when I was going to bed. I got my first boner in twelve years. Normally this lazy tube of meat can barely dribble out a piss, but this morning the turgor pressure was phenomenal. It must have been the oxcart of topless chicks that drove by.”
“Did these chicks have sticks with them?” I asked. “Like golf clubs.”
“Yeah. And they had a piece of something on a big fork.”
“Which way did they go?”
“Shit, it must have been five hours ago, they went down to the corner and took a left.”
Barry hobbled off down the alley.
The wino yelled to Barry, “Wait. There was a small blue dude with two heads riding the ox if that helps.”
Barry followed the ox dumps to a small garage in a condominium complex. He worked on the lock with a wire. It snapped open. Barry eased the door open and crept in. He flicked the light. It looked like a chem lab. There were glass bottles, crack pipes, the works. Barry lifted the cork out of a huge bomblike glass piece. It was coated on the rim with crystals. He scraped off a couple into a crack pipe and fired it down. Ice. He scraped the rest out into a baggie and snuck back out.
The taxi burned out on some dog shit. Barry told the cab driver where to go. The cab driver offered him a cigarette. Barry smoked it and instantly passed out.
Part two of story tomorrow.

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