Honey, There's Fart in my Lungs

Hey, you. Pile of turkey felch. Aren’t you that dude on the bus thats always falling over next to the stairs?
No. I’m that dude that stinks like aardvark piss that uses that six month old ticket stub. The guy that always sits in the front row with his head real limp, almost falling over on the lady with the shopping bag.
Oh. Well you’ve got a hell of a gift. I’ve known winos who’ve ridden the bus for over twenty years that would kill to have your stench, your walk, your stumble. The way you make enemies on the bus is phenomenal. When you ripped that fart into that dude’s lunch bag. That was fukin classic man.
Thanks. I found some old cabbage heads behind Vons. Some nice lady at the YWCA gave me a blender. I pureed the shit out of the cabbage and then mixed in a little bean juice from behind the Mexican restaurant. A lot of anti-oxidants in there. Gotta keep your blood healthy.
That’s the truth. I’ve found that the best way to stay trim and in excellent health is to smoke at least two joints at lunch and a snowcone before bed. Shit. I haven’t had so much as a sniffle since I started it. Unless you count the night I hung out at a coke dealer’s house. My nose was running all night. I was buried in that pile of coke until 8AM when I tried to go to sleep but just laid in my bed shaking. But enough about me. Tell me where you got those fabulous shoes.
The left shoe I found in the grass by a freeway. Good as new. Almost my size too. Had to run a couple of modifications on the toe, namely stretch it out with a piece of hot rebar. And I had to pull out all the stuffing in the heel part too. It still fits good though cause I sewed in a piece of rubber to keep it snug. The right shoe. Shit. I can’t really remember where I picked it up. In fact I think I woke up with it on. It fit nearly perfectly as well. You can see how I chopped the heel off though cause you can’t have two different height shoes. It’s bad for the knees.
I hear you. My chiropractor keeps telling me I need to get some custom running shoes from the performance shoe store. But shit, if I had your skills I probably wouldn’t need to. What about your deft skills with the ladies. Was it you I saw last night in the tenderloin talking to those two hookers?
That was me alright. They’re my friends. Super cool chicks. I ain’t got my pipe smuggled yet though. Still workin on getting a free one. Did you know they make over five hundred a night. Sometimes over a thousand. What I wouldn’t do to get a job like that. Speaking of which, do you have any change? I need to make a long distance phone call to my dealer.
Sure bro. How much you need?
Fifty bucks ought to do it. He’s orbiting Jupiter right now. The dudes at SETI are my friends.
Tits bro. This is my stop. Let me know when you get some more of that crippling weed. Here’s that fifty.
Queef on queefing on man.

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