How to Become a Weed Junkie

I get a lot of mail asking the same question; How does one become a weed junkie? It’s not easy but it is possible with a lot of hard weed smoking and some powerful determination. Anyfuk, here’s the advice that I give most people. First off, you’ve got to have time on your hands. While it’s possible to be a weed junkie and have a full time job and play on a sports team, those things can really cut into your weed smoking time. What I would recommend, since you’re probably not going to make your living smoking weed right away, is that you keep your day job, but try to get the hours reduced. Once your boss sees that you are serious about smoking weed, there’s a good chance that he will support your dedication and determination. In fact, I know of several cases where weed smokers have been laid off so that they can spend more time perfecting their smoking. And with unemployment paying roughly $300/minute, this can really help the amateur weed junkie.
Second, you have to have a large supply of high quality weed. One good option is to grow your own if you have a large unused area of fertile land. Don’t even think about hydroponics or growing in your basement unless you are technically inclined, or are sponsored by the electric company. The time and effort spent working in your grass garden can be better spent inhaling THC. A better idea is to make friends with your dealer. Once he sees that you are serious about your pot smoking, he is bound to give you a discount price. Just make sure he has the best grass in town because, and I know from experience, you can’t properly condition your mind and your lungs with crap weed. And if you are smoking seeds and rolling shake all the time, you won’t be fully prepared for the lung blasting exhaustion of the professional weed circuit.
Third, don’t mix your drugs. This may come as a shock to a lot of you, but professional weed smokers don’t smoke weed for fun. Sure, they love to smoke weed, but they treat it as their profession and that comes with the responsibilities of being a true professional. Sure, a couple crystals of DMT or a tab of LSD now and then isn’t gonna hurt in the long run. But a competitive weed smoker knows that they need those precious brain cells for weed. This isn’t the seventies anymore. The competition today isn’t a bunch of hippies rolling snowcones and getting their puff on. If you expect to even place in today’s Pan-Galactic Smokeout, you better spend your hard earned cash on smoking yer fukin weed. Also, some comps around the country do test for illegal substances. It’s not common, and I hope it’s not a growing trend, but I have heard of cases when smokers were removed from the competition for dropping acid on their rest days. Don’t let this happen to you.
Fourth, sponsorship. Unless you rank in the top two thousand smokers in the galaxy, you probably won’t make enough on sponsorship alone to support yourself. It’s definitely possible to get some form of local sponsorship when you are starting out and I would recommend that you look into this as soon as possible. The best thing to do is get as high as you can and then walk into the offices or store that your are thinking about and then talk to whoever is there. If you can’t talk to a person, talk to the walls, or even better yet talk to their products. Once people see that you are serious about your new profession, they will be a lot more likely to give you money. Some people have even had good success by channeling. I’ve never tried this, but several colleagues of mine swear by it. They will pick a business that they want to approach, then they will dress up in a one-piece leotard with that company’s logo embroidered on their back. Right after the establishment opens, they will ninja roll into the middle of the building/store/office and jump up and “channel” the gods. Often they start by speaking in tongues, something that has to be practiced, and then they will go into a memorized rant, inserting the company name where appropriate.
Fifth, training. A lot of people think a professional weed smoker just smokes weed. If only it were that easy. There are a lot of factors involved in becoming a world-class weed junkie. Its not always “who can smoke the most fukin weed?” Sure, those are usually the events that they show on TV, but true mastery in the grass inhaling arts involves so much more. For example in the bake and shake, how can you prevent yourself from shivering from massive THC overload? Training. That’s it. Not genetics, not will power. Good, old-fashioned training. How does one train for an event such as this? That is beyond the scope of this article. Volumes could be written about lung capacity, blood thickness, inhalation intervals, etc…
Sixth, brain damage. You want to smoke as much weed as possible, and who wouldn’t? How do you prevent yourself from turning into a complete vegetable? We’ve all seen the classic “stoner” who smoked five hundred too many bongloads before his/her mind was fully primed. Now he/she works in the tire-shredding factory and lives in an abandoned bread truck eating parsnips. Don’t be that person. Prepare your brain for drug abuse. If you’re gonna do drugs, other than weed, keep yourself on a strict schedule. I know, this is where you say I’ve gone too far. But hey, serious drug abuse is not for wimps. If you’re gonna huff video head cleaner. Keep it to three times a week maximum. When smoking cigarettes dipped in formaldehyde, please do so in a well-ventilated area. There are several other rules that I try to adhere to, but once again they are beyond the scope of this article.
In conclusion, I would like to conclude this article. Who knows, maybe some day you to will be a Weed Master! I would like to end with a quote from Gorbak 7. Many of you who have seen Beef Meat in action know that he is one of the most dedicated weed junkie on the planet. Let’s hope he wins the Pan-Galactic this year too.
“I gotta have my fukin’ weed”
– Beef Meat

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