The Fastest Growing Trend in America Today!

The sign said “Thank You for your business!” I wanted to rip that sign down, cut it into ninja stars and give the guy a cannibal turd/ninja star enema. But I did what any controlled, normal member of civilized society would do, I went to my car, took a shit in a bag, found his caddilac, opened the hood and dropped the shit into his air conditioning vent. Then I broke the back window and the alarm went off. When he came out of his shop, I put on my Irish greenskeeper disguise, hid some bushes and waited. He looked at his car and turned off the alarm.
“Excuse me, but do you mind if I play through,” I said jumping out of the bushes.
“What the fuck?”
I took the sand wedge, walked in front of him, dropped my ball, and then golf clubbed him straight in the dick.
“Let that be a lesson to you, fukram,” I said and calmly walked out of there. He dropped to the ground and started foaming at the mouth.
When I got home, there was a message on the machine. It was from some police officer named Officer Jim Warmley. He wanted to speak to me about an assault in a parking lot. I called the number and got him on the phone.
“This is Jim Warmley.”
“Hello Mr. Warmley, this is Archie Bluto, you called me earlier.”
“Yes. I got a complaint from the owner of Jebb’s Tangblast Liquidators. He says you hit him in the penis with a golf club.”
“What? A sand wedge is not just any golf club, its one of the most versatile clubs you can have in your quiver. A real swiss army knife of a hitter. Give me a putter, a three wood and a sand wedge and I can out golf just about any fuck steak on the course.”
“So you did hit him in the penis with a sand wedge?”
“If you’re gonna call a perfect golf swing a hit, then you’re sadly mistaken officer. I did nothing of the sort. Sure I executed an amazing follow through on a master class swing and his dick happened to get in the way. But if you’re gonna stand there and tell me that I hit him in the penis, you’re gonna have to find another sucker to pin this on.”
“Mr. Bluto, I feel like I am not getting through to you. Did you or did you not swing a golf club in the direction of Jebb Jebbstump the owner of a tangblast liquidator this afternoon.”
“Nope.”
“Alright then. Thank you for your time.”
“Thank you and go fuk yourself.” I slammed the phone down, cracked a beer and eased the Laz-y-boy into launch position. The topless golf tournament was just about over. I lifted up the armrest and flipped the toggle switch. My six-chamber gravity bong lowered down to my mouth. I pressed the ignition and a bald midget on the roof sparked up the lighter. My lungs filled up with the smoke and I closed my eyes.
I heard the keys in the doorway and immediately hid the bong. The house cleaner comes early on Monday evenings, I had totally forgotten. She was from Quebec and only spoke Portuguese. I snapped up from my Laz-y-boy and went into the bedroom to nap while she did her things.
I was waiting for her to leave when I heard someone else come in the house. It was a female voice so I didn’t get angry. She sometimes has her friend over and they team clean the house. I walked down the stairs and I was totally wrong. It was my ex-wife. She spoke perfect Portuguese and they were chatting on the patio smoking cigarettes.
“Hello Mable,” I said, “what brings you here?”
“I was just in the area and decided to drop by.”
“Cool. I was just watching golf upstairs, can I get you something to drink?”
“Yeah. I’d like a cran and wolf piss,” she said.
“Coming right up. Does Eurvotta want anything?”
Mable asked the cleaning lady in Portuguese. She nodded her head and said something that sounded like “worms and puke”.
“She’d like a turbo blast with a beer back.”
“Sure, I’ll be right back.”
I went to the bar and fixed the drinks and then poured a Speefnarkle for myself.
“You still drinking Speefnarkles Artie?”
“Sure am.”
“You know they played a major roll in ruining our marriage don’t you?”
“Sure do.”
“That and all the grass smoking. You have given that up right?”
“Over my dead body.”
“That’s what I thought,” she said. “Anyway, I’m not here to give you any grief.”
“I’m so fukin relieved,” I said.
“I’m here cause I forgot some stuff when I moved out.”
“Like what?”
“There is a duffel bag in the attic that I left.”
“The one with all the guns?”
“You looked in my personal stuff?” she said.
“Course I looked in it. You’re one month too late though. I got rid of them on eBay.”
“You’re kiddin right Archie. You’re kidding?”
“Yeah I’m kidding. Though I may need one of them. I had some trouble with an asshole salesman today.”
“And you want to kill him?”
“No, just perforate him a little. Teach him about fair business practices.”
“And this is for the good of humanity? You could get in a lot of trouble for shooting someone.”
“Yeah. I know. I probably won’t, but I sure would love to.”
“Well Arch there’s a big difference in doing and wanting to.”
“I know. I know. I already golf clubbed the guy in the dick. I guess that’s enough. I’m still irked though.”
“You know what I do when I’m pissed off,” said Mable.
“You cheat on your husband?” I said.
“Very funny. Seriously though, I’ve found something that really helps in those situations.”
“Well I would love to know what it is.”
“I don’t think it would work for you though.”
“Well I wouldn’t know unless I tried,” I said.
“Have you ever tried a cannibal turd/ninja star enema?”

You Little Fukin Spoil Sport

Henry waited until she got into her car. She was pretty for her age, though that wasn’t Henry’s main motivation. He was attracted to her because of her money. She grew up in the house behind him, though then had never officially met until that night. As she pulled out of the parking lot, Henry started pedaling his bike. When she was at just the right spot, Henry crashed on his bike right in front of her.
“Holy shitfire!” Henry yelled and started kicking his bike tire. “You fukin slimy piece of goddam shitfuck piece of crapdick firetit fukpile of shit. I should throw you off a cliff and shoot you.”
“Are you alright?” she asked.
“Yeah. This fukin bike is always pulling stunts like this. I have never seen such a stubborn piece of scrap metal. Well its gonna take three hours to get home now.”
“Where do you live?”
“Really far, do you know where the Jenkins farm is?”
“You live out there?”
“Farther. I’ll call my cousin. Hopefully he’s not jacked up on hornet killer.”
“Let me give you a ride home.”
“Are you sure, its pretty far. That would be fukin tits if you did.”
“What do you mean tits?”
“It means good. Dandy. Swell. Keen. Sporting. Speaking of which I’m sporting a rig right now.”
“You guys with your slang. Put the bike in the trunk, I’ll give you a ride.”
“Thank you. I’ll never forget this act of kindness.” Henry heaved the bike into the trunk and stepped into the vehicle.
They drove for a while and then she stopped the car.
“What’s the matter.”
“I just remember where I saw you,” she said.
“What do you mean.”
“Don’t you live behind me? Aren’t you Parkey’s brother?”
“Yeah, so?”
“Aren’t you the one that used to spy on me when I was skinny dipping with the soccer team.”
“Yeah.”
“Aren’t you the kid that used to yell ‘I’m gonna cornhole you Mrs. Heatrix’ over the fence while you flung dog turds into my pool.”
“So.”
“So what are we really doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well are you gonna try to cornhole me?”
“I can’t believe you asked me that.”
“It seems like a legitimate question since I don’t think you live all the way out here.”
“Just take me home would you. I’m another fifteen miles up the road unless you want to let me out here.”
“Now hold on. This was just getting interesting. Listen Henry, have you ever smoked cannabis?”
“You mean marijuana right? Of course, I power at least twelve bongloads every day.”
“Do you know how to roll blunts?”
“I don’t smoke a lot of joints or blunts but I have rolled them.”
“Why don’t you roll one up and we’ll hot box this thing.”
“I really should get home.”
“What are you afraid of? Looks like your better half is interested.” She pointed down to Henry’s weasel.
“Oh Senior Lorax. He’s just got nervous energy.”
“Well Senior Lorax, you gonna let your buddy here chicken out?”
Senior Lorax pushed his way out of Henry’s pants and jumped onto the dash board. Mrs. Heatrix passed it a lit cigarette. Henry rolled up a blunt and sparked it up.
“Jeezus. What’s in this grass?”
“Plutonium waste.”
“You mean from a nuclear power plant?”
“Yeah my family owns a couple of them,” she said.
“Tits. I mean it tastes good. I heard you get a headache from..”
“From nuclear waste? No. Its perfectly harmless. Gives you that mellow buzz that you’re feeling.”
“I’m not feeling any mellow buzz.”
“You fukin pussy,” said Henry’s dick, “YOU FUKIN PUSSY!” Then it started laughing.
“Theres no need to laugh youngster,” she said “Henry’s just going through a little mental adjustment. Henry pass the blunt please.”
Henry passed the blunt over to her and she passed it to Senior Lorax. “After you.”
Senior Lorax took one puff, went limp, and fell onto the floor.
Mrs. Heatrix slowly unbuttoned her blouse and pulled off her bra. “Hows this Henry?”
Henry stared at her left nipple. “I can’t complain.”
“Is the cannabis affecting you yet?” She pulled her tits out of their socket and attached them to the cieling.
“Yeah, that nuclear waste really makes me mellow.”
“I knew you’d like it. Everyone that tries is loves it. Now shall we get down to business?”
“What business is that?”
“Cornholin’”
“Who said anything about cornholin’. I just want to get home.”
“Henry, we both know thats not why you’re here.” She unbuttoned her pants and slid them off her ankles.
“Well I…”
“I know Henry. I feel the same way. You must get awful lonely all the way out here.”
“I don’t really live out here. I was gonna take you to this grain silo and seduce you.”
“Thats an awfully bland word for cornholin’” Mrs. Heatrix reached down between her legs and pulled out her vagina and threw it into the back seat. She motioned to Henry.
“What, you want me to get back there?”
“No stupid, the Lorax.”
“My dick. No way. I don’t know where that things been,” said Henry.
“Fine.” Mrs. Heatrix grabbed Senior Lorax off the ground and threw it into the back seat. It perked to life with a subsonic hum. “Senior Lorax, meet Carlotta. Show him who’s boss Carlotta.”
The viagina started popping up and down on the bearskin seat cover. The wang started climbing up to the headrest.
“Wait.” Mrs. Heatrix pulled her butthole out and placed it on the rear speaker. She put in her Falco tape and turned up the bass. The butthole started spinning and jumped down next to the vagina. The wang made it onto the headrest and then began to pulsate with the music.
“Thats enough,” said Henry, “If you want to humiliate yourself, you go ahead, but I’m not gonna watch this circus.”
“Harry, don’t be such a spoil sport,” said Mrs. Heatrix.
The wang took a big breath and jumped off the headrest toward the vagina. This pissed off the butthole. It pulled out a dart gun and shot three darts into the dickhead. The vagina slid down into the seat crack and crawled into the trunk.
Henry grabbed his dick and threw the darts out the window. He put it back in his pants. “Can we go now?”

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