Jerry Reads Soft-Core Porn

Jerry was just hanging out by the river reading a soft-core porn novel. Jasmine was the heroine in the novel. She solved crimes by boning winos. Jerry was sitting there chuckling with a boner. This lazy fukin afternoon was going by good and slow. Jerry had to work that night. He had one of the worst jobs ever. He would drive people around the mall in a shuttle van. Luckily Jerry knew all the good smoking spots so the night went by pretty fast. And the money was ok. He had enough for food, beer and soft-core porn novels. Jerry heard a squelching sound lowering out of the sky. A space copter landed on the river and the window rolled down. A bald guy with a green members-only jacket leaned out the window with a five dollar bill in his hand.
“Hey kid. You got any those books about the chick private eye?”
“Yep. I’m reading one right now. But you’re fuked in the head if you think I’m gonna let you have it. This is the best one I’ve ever read.”
“How many have you read?”
“Every one one in the modern library.”
“I’ll give you fifty bucks if you rip that book in half and give me the beginning. I gotta know what happens.”
“Yeah. If you give me a ride to the desert. I’ve got a chick out there that keeps callin me wanting me to go out there and breed her llamas.”
“I hope you’re wearing protection.”
“Yeah man. They got all that stuff. Do you have any grass?”
“Just a couple turbo lids in the trunk. Hop in if you want. I’m going that way anyway.”
Jerry put his backpack into the back seat and hopped over into the front. When he sat down there was fifty bucks on the dash board.
“Tits bro. Where’s the buds?”
“There’s a snow cone under your seat. Hit that thing and then when we get to a rest stop or a scenic lookout we’ll stop and I’ll pull out a half lid.”
Jerry tore into that doobie and filled his lungs full of the devil weed and then exhaled out the window.
“Man. That is some mean fukin super dope.”
“Yeah my cousin grows it hydroponic in his bath tub.”
“Whatever he did to it, I’m frying pretty hard.”
“Do you think you can walk?”
“No. I’ll stay in the car when we stop.”
“Well we’re stopping pretty soon cause I have to piss.”
“Why don’t you piss in a raquetball can?”
“Last thing I need it to slice my dick before I hit the brothels.”
“You going to the ones out at that man made oasis. That place is supposed to be good for you. They make you soak in oil and then they. Well you know.”
“Yeah. I do that all the time. Its called the Kings Cram. It’s at that place above Fucky’s. You gonna get out?”
The bald guy with a green members-only jacket shut down the space copter and pulled out the keys. He walked over to the bathrooms and blasted a ton of diarrhea into the greedy porcelain throat. He flushed the thing and stepped out of the stall. Some dude was standing at the sinks pakin his wife.
“Murmok. What the fuk? I thought you were working today?”
The dude turned around and smashed the bald guy with a green members-only jacket in the ballsack with a rubber frog leg.
Jerry was still waiting in the car. The dude and the bald guy with a green members-only jacket’s wife came out of the mens room. Jerry noticed that she was wearing a green members-only jacket. Jerry popped the trunk and pulled out a lid and sat on the hood of the space copter smoking the fuk out of the weed. He smoked through most of a lid and then the moon started getting closer. It kept coming closer and then an excalator lowered down and three one-legged frogs hopped off and handcuffed Jerry to the bumper. They popped the trunk and put all the grass into their backpacks and then hopped back into their ship.
The sun came up and people started to slow down to look at Jerry. He was waving his arms and yelling but they could not understand him. He had forgotten how to speak and could only make sounds. His lips felt heavy and numb. His tongue felt like a dead rat in his mouth. He kept yelling and flailing and nobody stopped. One space gopher stopped long enough to take a picture next to him. Jerry decided to work on getting out of the handcuffs. He reached under the car for a wire or something that he could stuff down into the lock and turn. He finally broke off something that felt like a wire and when he brought it out it was a syringe filled with pure THC. Jerry knew that he had hit the mothership if he could just get out of there with the drugs. He started kicking and jumping on the bumper until he could loosen one of the end nuts with his butthole. Then he pounded the tie rods apart with his limp dick. He slid the other end of the handcuffs off and then got in the space copter and started it up. It wouldn’t start. Jerry pissed in the gas tank and ripped a couple farts on the coil. It coughed to life and Jerrry took off into the sky. He never stopped.

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