Retirement Home Romp

Jerry was the biggest player in the retirement community. Bar none. As soon as a husband passed on, Jerry was there. He had to be about ninety, ninety-five, but he had a humongous stash of Viagra. Jerry was glad that the women usually outlived the men. And strangely Jerry outlasted the men as well.

A new young buck arrived on the scene last week though. And the testosterone, what little there was, was now in high gear as Jerry and the new guy, Walter, fought for carnal supremacy in the retirement community.

Jerry had the money, but Walter was the rebel. His lark was covered with flames. He had playboy mudflaps. And a playboy air freshener.

Tonight was the big community dance and Jerry was dressed to the nines in his one-piece leisure suit and cardigan. Walt was sporting the Marlborough Man look. And then there was Wolfbait. The terminal stoner. He was smoking a couple ounces of medical marijuana a week. And for the dance, unbeknownst to them, all the patrons would be drinking acid in their punch.

The dance started off slow until the heavy stuff began to kick in. Trust me, more than half of the people there didn’t need the acid anyway. On any given day the senile dementia would be enough to make millions of elves explode by themselves. But after about an hour of dancing to the good stuff, some strange things started popping up. Not sure whether it was the punch or the Viagra cookies that prompted the fun. Larry Craggenfud was dancing on the ceiling. Thomas was pissing under his table. Nate was blowing turd off of the roof.

And the women were going nuts as well. Anne had started pole dancing and had torn most of her clothes off. Mary Daggernuts was farting into the sound system. And Marla had wedged everyone’s diapers up their ass with a hard jerk.

Why had the nurses and doctors not stopped this? Well, Walter had locked them in the conference room and had cut the telephones. Walt was the classic troublemaker. Lock up your grandmas and hide the crack pipe when Walter comes to your neighborhood. He had always been into older women, but now that he was officially a senior, there was no limit to his prey.

So now we have a seventy-year-old rebel versus a ninety-something player battling it out on the dancefloor for all the single women in the community.

Meanwhile, Wolfbait had scored all the nitrous tanks and was giving out balloons on the side. And Captain Williams had gassed all the nurses and doctors, so they were sleeping soundly.

Earl was the country boy and on an occasion like this he pulled out his moonshine batch. He had made it in secret in his room in the water heater. When he pulled that white lightning out. Things really started cooking. Jerry had done everyone a big favor and had put out an extra bowl full of Viagra and all the women and men jumped for it.

Halfway through the night, a lot of the patrons started falling asleep. Well for Jerry, this was prime time to start his rounds. He went to all the women, even those with husbands still alive and propositioned them. He got a few smacks on the face, but there were always a few who would go for it. And on a beautiful night like tonight, what the hell. When you haven’t had sex in fifty years, for a lot of women it would be like their first time. And with those with Alzheimer’s, everytime is a their first.

But there was Eunice, the prize among the bunch. She was seventy-seven, and her husband had just passed away. Three months is enough for grieving wouldn’t you say? Well Jerry thought so, and so did Walter. And Walter was warming up to her really nice all night, but Jerry was not going to make it easy on him.

  “Hello Eunice, you look absolutely stunning tonight,” said Jerry. “Would you like to dance?”
  “Jerry, Eunice is with me tonight,” said Walter, “so keep your slimy dick off her.”
  “Walter!” said Eunice. “Jerry and I go way back. He was a good friend of my husbands. He would never try anything funny. Isn’t that right Jerry?”
  “That’s the truth,” said Jerry. And behind Eunice’s back, Jerry made the universal symbol for humpin’.
  “You want to step outside smart ass?” said Walter.
  “What, so you can pay me off?”
Walter swung at Jerry, but it seemed to be in slow motion. Jerry countered with a chop to Walter’s nuts that left him on the floor.
  “That’s why you don’t pick on someone older than you Walt. Cause they’re liable to tear your nuts clean off.” Jerry held up his arm and Walts nuts were slowly breathing in his hand. Jerry spat on the nuts and threw them onto the chandelier.
  “Stop it Jerry,” cried Eunice, “He was just trying to protect me.”
  “He was trying to get into your pants baby, and I wasn’t going to let him disgrace your husbands name.”
  “My husbands been dead for four months now. I am over my grieving period.”
  “Doesn’t mean you have to turn into the community slut. Come on. Look at this guy. He thinks he’s community cocksmith and he’s damn proud of it. Have you seen his lark?”

Walter finally made it off the ground and over to the water fountain where he took a long drink and gathered his strength. He walked back to Eunice.
  “Damn that guy is an ass rug.”
  “You deserved it Walter. Challenging him to a fight. He was the east coast jujitsu champion till his late forties. Besides, he didn’t mean any real harm. Would you like to go back to my room?”
  “Is your roommate going to be there?”
  “She’s probably passed out and I’ll just put a sock in my mouth.”

By now, most of the people had stopped dancing and were sitting on the floor watching the fireworks in their brain. Then Barry started the food fight. There was jicama flying everywhere, vodka jello, soccer oranges, everything. And the music kept blaring on. Wolfbait finished off the night by pumping weed smoke into the hall and everybody started muching until there was nothing left to eat.

Once morning came, everything had been cleaned up. The doctors and nurses were released and all had returned to normal. It had been your average Saturday night at the rest homes. And this was happening all over the country, every fukin weekend.

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Kobok Read Pt 3


In march 2002 the Pukester and I recorded this reading of the full script of Kobok Six Janitors on Acid. We did this to give us a sense of the flow of the movie. We also sent copies of this recording to the main actors to help them learn their lines. When the final version of Kobok Six comes out it will be a lot different from this reading, though it will contain a lot of the scenes from it. The reading has been devided into four audio files and this is the third of the four.
Listen to mp3:
3.1 meg mp3

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Bongloads With Unkle Chuk

I was powering down the bongloads at my Unkle Charlie’s last weekend. Unkle Chuk is the meanest weed smoker I have ever smoked against. He smokes weed at least ten hours straight every day. A lot of people say it has made him slow. But personally, I think it has just made him more patient.
He lives at the end of a cul-de-sac. His neighbor on one side is a corn dog vendor and on the other side is a bank robber. Like I said, I was powering down a couple bongloads in my Unkle’s garage and all of a sudden we hear this banging on the garage door. And then in a loud voice. “Open Up. Vice Squad.” Well, Unkle Chuk knows some pretty influential friends, so we just kept filling our lungs with THC.
A minute later the bank robber, Jerry, walks in the side door laughing his brains out and bleeding down his arm. He’s laughing cause he was the one banging on the garage door. The irony of Jerry, the galaxy’s biggest crack fiend, pretending to imitate a vice squad, keeping him in stitches. Then he scowled at our weed. “Why are you fucks smoking that crap? I got a couple crack rocks with your names on ‘em.”
Well I’ve smoked my share of the earth’s crack supply, but just the thought of bugging out with Jerry on Gorbak 7 was enough to make me say “no thanks”. Unkle Chuk said the same.
And Jerry got pissed.
“Chuk you lousy stoner. How dare you look down on my crack habit. At least it’s a productive habit. The time it takes you to do one task. Give me a few crack rocks and I guarantee you I will complete that task in one fifth to one sixth the time. In the time it would take you to wash your car. I could probably wash all the cars on the landing strip. Provided my crack supply didn’t get wet.
“I may be slower than you, crack man. But I make sure I get the job done right the first time. Sometimes though I will space out and think about something stupid for what seems like a minute, but might be hours. Anyfuk, I will challenge you to a competition.”
?Ha. That you have the nerve to challenge me,? said Jerry loading a rock of super crack. Fsooooooooot. Jerry inhaled the rock with one huff. Caughed a little. ?Alright. We’re gonna put a little wager on this one to up the stakes. You name your competition.?
“We will each have to complete the same seven tasks. It is up to you to come up with each specific challenge.”
“You’re on buckwad. The seven tasks will be…”
Jerry the crack fiend thought short and hard. Then he announced the seven tasks. Seven tasks that he could do with his eyes closed if he needed to. ?Task one. Shave two oiled woodchucks. Task two. Mow four pints of chimpanzee turd. Task three. Task three. Oh yeah. Dice twenty buckets of merkin leather. Task four. Inflate twelve wino biscuits (rubbers). Task five. Throw seventy five bricks of corned beef into the neighbor’s pool. Six. Huff a half can of lighter fluid. Seven. Tow a moose across the freeway.?
I shot my musket into the ceiling and they were off.
Unkle Chuk was half way into his first woodchuck when Jerry called for a smoke break. Jerry whistled and his sisters peeped over the fence to cheer him on. Then Jerry hit his crack pipe. I just stared. Jerry went through the crack rocks like they were going extinct. He grabbed his woodchucks and shaved both of them at the same time. Unkle Chuk looked at me. He knew he was in serious trouble.
By the time my uncle finished with the woodchucks, Jerry was three quarters of the way through the chimp turd. Before Chuk even got to the merkins, Jerry was already well into the wino biscuits.
But Chuk kept on going. Holding a steady pace. Taking each task one at a time. 100% stoner focus. He looked deep into each challenge like only a stoner could.
When Jerry was done with the lighter fluid, he looked over and saw Chuk still struggling with the corned beef. He figured he had plenty of time, so he ordered a half rack of hookers from Super Brothel’s. Then he found a place to grab a smoke and work his abs.
Jerry started powering into the crack rocks like there was no tomorrow. And then the ladies arrived. Well, they tore Jerry up pretty good. By the time they left, Jerry had thrown his back out, dislocated his shoulder, herniated two of them, and slammed fourteen lids of rock.
When he finally got back to his last task, towing a moose across the freeway, he noticed that Unkle Chuk had almost finished. So Jerry heaved and huffed and torqued that fukin moose as fast as he could, weaving in and out of traffic.
And he caught up to the tortoise, I mean Unkle Chuk. And Jerry passed him up to win the challenge.
My Unkle didn’t really care though. He fired up his bong, sat back in his chair, popped open a Country Club and said, “Congratulations.” They had forgotten to put a wager on it anyway.

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