It was a dark and greasy night. Bernardine finished boning a coal miner.
“You can leave the money next to my bagel,” she said.
The coal mined droppped four crumpled dollars and walked out the door. Bernardine took a shit and pissed out the dusty wad. She looked in the mirror an reapplied her lip stick.
“You are an amazing hooker,” she said into the mirror. “You provide excellent sex.”
The next john knocked.
Don Pud walked in and dropped his pants. There was a rooster head instead of a dick.
“Sorry sir,” she said. “I don’t do cocks.”
“I don’t service men with rooster dicks. Wanda down the hall can help you.”
“I got a hundred dollars if you can make this old bird chirp.” Read more »
Space junk is one of the biggest threats we face in our quest to populate the moon. When the USSR launched a monkey into space in 1957 there was very little space junk floating around. Now there is currently an estimated 5,500 tons of debris orbiting our planet. Fortunately there are a lot of intelligent people working on solving this problem.
One group, from the University of Surrey, have created the CubeSail which is essentially a five by five meter sheet of plastic that slows down space junk and drags it into the earth’s atmosphere where it bursts into flame, usually. A simple but effective cure for a the larger debris.
Another group, from Glasgow, have revealed designs for a cornhole vortex that attaches to the end of a rocket propelled wolf dick. Read more »
Larkel stood out of his tent and zipped it back up. “Stay in there.” He blew a kiss into the tent. He turned and walked to the tree. The tree jumped into Larkel’s pocket. Larkel poured a cup of turkey piss. He stoked up the fire and pulled out his knife and a bag of weed.
It was the last of his weed. He packed a bowl and inhaled. It was tittttttttttttts. His brain dribbled out his ass.
I was there when they robbed the place. Those filthy losers walked in with bike chains and rip saws. I think there were four of them, though there may have been more of them outside.
As soon as I saw them come in I ducked behind the chicken roaster and pulled out my buck knife. The guy in the Sylvester Stallone mask looked straight at me but I don’t think he saw me. He pointed to the lady behind the counter and started talking to her as if he knew her. She just responded by nodding her head an then she put all the beef jerky into a bag. Read more »
They came from the hills in packs of twenty or thirty to see the new brothel. It wasn’t operational yet, but that didn’t stop the working girls from earning a living. Madame Beatrice had gone to the city to pick up last minute items for the grand opening. Her number one choad buster, Mirelda, was busy testing the re-enforced beds with the local carpenter, Pudboil.
Old Man Flaccidwang owned the liquor store across the street. Read more »
Eli woke up early to check his traps. He walked into the backyard. They were full. The duct tape that he’d laid down, sticky side up, was covered with bugs. He pulled the tape up and climbed into his treehouse.
Eli pulled out his bong and tested the water level. He added a bit from his canteen. Some of the bugs were still moving. He picked those ones off and put them into the bowl. They glowed blue as he lit them and inhaled.
The smoke went straight to his brain. He felt light headed and then tipped over onto the floor. His brain leaked out of his ear and through the floor boards. Read more »
It began when Erma Lou looked at me with that beautiful eye and her seductive smile. I walked over to her table and asked her to dance. She said yes, of course.
We found an empty spot on the dance floor. I moved toward her and put my hands on her teats. She snuggled close and put one hand over my shoulder and the other grasped my wang.
Read more »
Before I started smoking weed, I was a loser. No prospects. Without a future. Then I smoked weed and everything changed. Chicks piled on top of my hogan. Every company in the industry approached me for sponsorship. Money, women, sin, everything. My lawyer uncle was representing me and he fukked up. We went with Funny Weed. I spent the rest of the season training for the summer games. I placed third in bong rips and fifth in blunts. Several other companies approached us and even offered to buy out our contract. My uncle wouldn’t re-negotiate and by the time the winter smoke races started, I was still stuck with Funny Weed. They didn’t even have a racing weed. I bonged my lungs out five times a week for the whole fall. That winter, I didn’t even place. Read more »