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Lumpy's Revenge

Lumpy sat on the curb building a dam for the gutter water. He set up his army men on the top of the dam and had a couple snipers aiming down from the curb. The water came slowly. It was still three houses away. Lumpy just kept adjusting his men’s positioning.
Two bullies on BMX bikes rode up to Lumpy and pissed on his army men. The plastic figures melted in a stinky smoke. The bullies rode off laughing. All the army men had been ruined.
Lumpy went back behind his house and reached into a froghole and pulled out some ninja stars. He got dressed up in his ninja suit and opened the shed. The recumbent hydrofoil growled back at him. Lumpy strapped himself in and flipped a couple toggle switches. The hydrofoil lowered to the ground and let out some steam. Lumpy punched the accelerator and the thing took off in silence.
The two bullies were crossing the bridge over the river of chicken diarrhea. Lumpy swooped up to them and sliced their bike tires. The bigger bully dressed up like a unicycle and took off down the bridge. The other bully just sat there. Lumpy had given him an electroshock. Lumpy took off after the unicycle and finally caught up with him, but it was too late. Lumpy had flown into the bully’s home turf. Twenty more bullies surrounded him.
Lumpy pulled out a fukpile of ninja stars and started throwing them at anything that moved. There were stars flying everywhere. Three-prong, four-prong, curly ones, ones with tigers and dragons on them. A couple foam ones.
Lumpy was soon out of ninja stars and he started to take off. But one of the bullies shot him down with a bunch of frozen cauliflower. Lumpy dove off the wing into the bullies and dropped into a knee-spin. He lazered them in the dicks with his chewbakka crossbow. Then the king bully walked out of his garage with a pull-up bar. Lumpy hit a button on his cod piece. A beer seeking missle shot out his butt.

Its Just the Idea

Darfzox was jettisoning some cargo when his light-spackler coughed to a stop. He didn’t see the service cannibals doing knee spins on his roof. They zip lined down and put him in hand cuffs. He was under arrest for speed loitering and illegal dumping. Darfzox gave them his drivers license and he stuck a leg to the bottom of it with a couple bugurs. Well they didn’t take the bribe well and they started chewing on Darfzox. They were almost up to his knee when Captain Domestic skated by on a foot board. He put his loafer to the ground and stopped. He walked over and kicked one of the cannibals in the ass and lifted him into the sky and kicked him into his trailer. The other cannibal was all the way up my other leg now. Captain Domestic reached over and grabbed the cannibal by his nose ring and punched him in the temple. The cannibal fell over into the river. Captain Domestic took off and all I have is this bill. I don’t know where he got this chips and salsa charge. I didn’t order any food. Sixty two bucks for getting the cannibals off me, but he’s fucked in the ear if he thinks I’m gonna submit to this kind of larceny. Luckly my insurance should take care of the whole bill. Its just the idea of it that pisses me off.

The Coming Apocalypse

Have you noticed any signs of the coming apocalypse? Anything you are trying to keep secret? I am. I saw something last week that scared me shitless. I was up late powering down the lids. It was probably three thirty in the morning. I had just finished waxing a bowl of triple chronic. And slowly my hand started shaking. I dropped the lighter. The shaking started moving up my arm and into my brain. “I am in your head now.” It kept repeating “I am in your head now.” I took an empty mustard bottle and filled it with THC juice and slammed it into my ear hole. I squeezed the shit out of it and this small bald guy crawled out my other ear. My shoulder started shaking and I was chuckling uncontrollably. I leaned over and rested my forehead in my other hand. My whole body was shaking now. The small bald guy ran over and jumped into my VCR. I heard a ton of noise coming from it and he started throwing little gears and plastic sticks out of it. He emerged a second later with a chrome wheel on his back. He slid down the cabinet and cornholed a mouse.

Prepare to Herneate

2-4-6-8 Hookers. Prepare to herneate.
We were lined up in stalls. My nutsack only weighed 2wo pounds. I slipped a quarter in the machine and punched in the code for a triple. I closed my eyes and flipped the switch. When I opened them there were a half dozen triple-breasted pixies tenderizing my pud. Then she walked up. Somehow she knew my name and she whispered into my ear.
“Cave Man. I know something you don’t.”
“Join the club.”
“How would you like the most painful feeling ever?”
“How long would it take?”
“A couple minutes.”
I closed my eyes again and I was floating in pure ecstasy. And then all of a sudden my hips gave out and I fell to the ground.
I tried to get back up but I couldn’t bend my waist. I slid out under the door on my back and hit my head on the trash can. The judge jumped down from the counter top, hooked my balls on the scale and yelled out the increase.
“Ladies we have a winner. The new national champion of the fifth annual GUTS-IN-YOUR-NUTS sweepstakes …”
Gratz meef,
the rev

A Handy Tip

A handy tip for those of you who are remodeling your brain. Take one of those classes where they teach you how to sleep and eat correctly. I made the mistake of trying to do it with a book. I was too lazy to even open the cover. Everytime I had the chance to read or study, something more important always came up. I’d get a knock on the front door and the women’s field hockey team would queef my ears out. Or I’d get a package. And when I’d open it a phaser would rise out of the bottom and zap me and I’d be standing there frozen for a couple hours not able to move while the delivery man would steal my wallet and pillage my house. I’ve lost a shitload of good CDs that way. I actually lost my entire database of music. I had finally finished assimilating all my songs into the portable player and the whole collection was ripped by some assburger. A ton of my friends are now doing everyting in vapor space cause they don’t want that to happen to them. I wish I could. I think I’ll be stuck in the physical world for another couple years until I take that class I had talked about. But for now I’m pretty satisfied taking bong rips all night long while I lay in a sleeping bag on the couch.

Blazing Last Nuggets

ALLEN: Fuk Dan. If you’re gonna blaze my last nugget at least put some beef jerkey in there or something.
DAN: I didn’t touch your weed. I saw your cat blasting into it this morning though.
ALLEN: Did you actually see him do it?
DAN: Yeah your Mom and I saw him while we were eating breakfast. And it would be nice if you would call me Dad.
ALLEN:You’re not my dad. You’re just some drunk that’s cornholing my Mom.

Sobe Bottle Water Bong

Rork pulled out the partially smoked blunt and handed it over to Pargo. Pargo slipped it into his jacket pocket and said thanks. Pargo crouched down behind the dumpster and bonged it down in a Sobe bottle. He caughed and woke up Wino Jim. Wino Jim rolled out from under his newspapers and scraped the bowl into his crack pipe. He sprinkled some ]]]]]]]]]]]]> on the shavings and ripped a bow drill out of a hole in his head and whistled. A very small man jumped into his crackpipe and started a fire. Once the weed chips were roasting the very small man crawled over the rim of the pipe. He ran along Wino Jim’s arm and into his coat pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper. He skipped home and told his normal size wife the good news. Wino season had started.

Krispy Krunchy Turbo Shitz

Krispy Shitz

Larry, if I have to pick up that com unit and call your wife again you’re gonna be sorry. Either you power down that pile of weed or you pay your tab and get out of here.
Larry had just been laid off. He had been working nights as a carpet cleaner for high rise buildings. Lucky for him he had been running a side business slingin quality poo snacks for dogs. His most popular item was the Krispy Shitz line made from real cat turds. The dogs went bonkers over these. They came with the following warning: If you absolutely have to handle these with your hands, make sure that the dog is tied up. These dog snacks are so potent, even your best canine friend will chew through you to get to the creamy middle inside every mouth watering log.

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Kobok Read Pt 3

In march 2002 the Pukester and I recorded this reading of the full script of Kobok Six Janitors on Acid. We did this to give us a sense of the flow of the movie. We also sent copies of this recording to the main actors to help them learn their lines. When the final version of Kobok Six comes out it will be a lot different from this reading, though it will contain a lot of the scenes from it. The reading has been devided into four audio files and this is the third of the four.
Listen to mp3:
3.1 meg mp3

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Smoking in the Big Apple

Stoned in the City

I’m about two buildings down from the Empire State Building smoking some New York chronic from a lamp fixture. Blowing the smoke out the window as the hot sewer stench from the streets billows into my air-conditioned room. Theres street sweepers, garbage vacuums and other prehistoric monsters eating all the shit that two million people left behind them today.
    I’ve been in midtown Manhattan now for about two and a half weeks. Most of the time has been spent in the room cause I’ve been on a paranoia binge all day long. And then at night I go out and get my sanity. I find myself riding the subways back and forth just to see who will get on at two in the morning. I know what I’m doing there but what the fuck are they doing there?
    One chump is just getting off from a construction site at two in the morning. He looks like he works in a cashew bottling company. But he smells like the farts from a billion zombies have been rotting just under his plastic raincoat.
    A couple of winos get on. They start talking about playing baseball in high school. One fuker was hitting a home run one in three at bats. The other swears that if he trained for a month to get his mind back in the game he could probably get back to where he was in college.
    Just the noise from leaving this apartment drives me out of my mind.
I love when you get roasted and then you go to the fridge and plow anything that looks good. I’ve made the most amazing crap sandwiches when I get super high. Right now I’ve put two pieces of wheat bread into the fridge. I’m gonna make the sandwich from hell tonight. Probably two of them. It sounds like tractors are having sex out my window.
    I just tore the shit out of the kitchen. Mowed through at least $300 worth of groceries. During the day time I’ll spy into the office in the building across from me. I still love when the hot ash shoots into the back of your throat. That?s probably what I miss most about the funny pipe. I’ve still got the funny pipe in my memory box.
    My stomach is huge these days. I’ve been getting all you can eat sushi from a place two blocks south-east from the hotel. I’ll eat six plates filled with sushi and then I’ll slam a bunch of vegetables at the end so my body can process it.
    Now I’m smoking weed from a fork cause that lamp fixture wasn?t working out. My ass is all wet cause I fell into the toilet. Now I’m doing headspins and blowing a ring of turds out my ass. I finally lose momentum and look around the room. There is a storm of turds sprayed all over the walls, the television, the sofa-couch, the small tables.
    Finally I got some mean weed in my system.
I’ve got a violent distaste for servos. So if I’m eating a mechanical chicken I’ll run a magnet over it and then I’ll choose what piece I’m going to eat.
    In Tijuana we smoked weed in toilet paper. I’m about to do the same. My fork pipe didn’t work out. The window is still open and it sounds like there is a car wrecking plant next door. I hear yelling like the entire women’s field hockey team is constantly calling my name. If I shut that window I will lose all connection to the outside world. I’ll be stuck back in this observation box. The room is bugged and there are cameras everywhere. If I even attempt to rearrange my nuts, a robot arm comes out from the wall and shreds my dick to bits.

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